The Fool | Under Wave

By J. A. Jones

I took to surfing like an obsession. Nellie and I would make egg and jam sandwiches and head out to Bolinas at 7 am every Saturday. I was terrible at surfing — a kook. I had no idea what I was doing, but I couldn't stop myself from heading out into waves no matter what the weather, the air temperature, the number of people in the water.

One day, the sun was shining — the ocean calling me. I snuck out of work to catch a few waves before sunset. I had been surfing for just 3 months. I was a true beginner. Until this day, I had never surfed alone.

No matter — there are plenty of people here. If I go under, someone will notice. I paddled out, caught a beautiful wave in. I paddled out, caught another in. I paddled out, and a wave larger than anything I knew appeared. No time to turn, no time.

Ocean Beach is notorious for its intense rip currents, sneaker waves, sharks. I have known people to drown at this beach. Signs at the entrance say — caution, the ocean is dangerous.

The wave came — I went under. My board went under. It was chaos. I swam, heading for air, and instead hit the sand with my cheekbone. I saw my board fully submerged, pointing upward, a rocket about to launch, surely coming down with its pointed tip.

I was drowning.

When drowning, time is something unfamiliar — each second, an eternity of thought, emotions, sensations, hopes, and fears.

There are questions: Why am I down here? Will I live?

There are observations: Sand floats — sunlight glints off rocks below.

There are concerns: If I make it to the surface, will another wave come again?

There are stances: I am tired, and I'm not sure I have the strength.

There are bargains: If I live, I promise I will never disrespect the ocean again.

There are hopes: If I breathe air and get to shore, I am going to that taqueria I like on the way home.

When under wave, it's not clear what will happen — it's not clear what is happening. Panic — you drown. Try too hard — you fail. There is only surrender. Being under wave is a great unknowing place.

Let it sweep through, and when it does — if it does...

The universe handed me breath — or, maybe I chose it. Who knows?

Regardless, a new journey began.